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Ale be home for Christmas: Questionable Gifts for the Beer Lover in Your LIfe

A machine that vibrates your beer, something that cools it from the inside and a hat made out of boxes
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frothy beer
Mmmm, frothy beer. (via Pexels)

Beer not only does a body good, it easily fills up Christmas wish lists for family, friends and co-workers too lazy to get to know the real you. From gun-inspired glassware and phallic-shaped cooling devices to the latest in beer koozie fashion, there’s something for just about everyone in the vast beer-offshoot universe. Keep that in mind when you’re stumped with what to get what’s-their-name.

 

Beer Jelly

Handmade in Vermont, probably by a guy who wears suspenders and has one of those unnecessary handlebar moustaches, Potlicker beer jellies are infused with craft brews such as oatmeal stout, black IPA, porter and apricot ale. On the downside, they all contain gluten – so Chloe and Colton will totally have to wait forever until Cider Jelly comes out.

$38.49 CAD for a set of four

UncommonGoods.com

 

Foam Blown Beer Glass

You had me at “foam blown.” Handcrafted to always appear full of your favourite emotion regulator, these fun-loving grog glasses are perfect for those nights when you’re lying on the sofa drinking alone and you catch a glimpse of your reflection in the computer screen and for a second mistake it for a bloated corpse. Oh, they’re also handmade in Mantua, Ohio.

CAD $42.32

UncommonGoods.com

 

Corkcicle Chillsner Beer Chiller

Two puns for the price of one, the Corkcicle Chillsner Beer Chiller employs “proprietary cooling gel” within its stainless-steel phallus to keep your barley sandwich cold while you discuss IBUs, lactic fermentation and how the last Iron and Wine album put you to sleep. But in a good way. Or you could always drink your beer in a reasonable, non-childish length of time.

US $33

MrBeer.com

 

Beer Bottle Cap Holder Shadow Box

Whether you’re playfully documenting your descent into alcoholism or your inability to let go of the past—sometimes it can be both—this charming accent piece will go with just about any furniture you’ve purchased from the Brick or Canadian Tire. Plus it looks better the more you drink and use it.

US $59.99

Amazon.com

 

Beer Aroma Booster

Using “ultrasonic vibrations and two teaspoons of water,” the Sonic Foamer is not only my next band’s name but it ensures that your beer always has a sudsy, fragrant head even when everyone in the brewery is staring at you and your overpriced contraption with disdain.

US $119.97

Amazon.com

 

Craft Beer Reversible Dog Bandana

Remember how people fawned over your two-year-old nephew when you brought him into your local tasting room before he soiled his diaper? Well, imagine how much they’ll fawn when it’s a dog instead of baby poo-machine and little Al Pugcino is wearing a Craft Beer Reversible Dog Bandana! Actually, you will have to imagine it, cuz most breweries don’t allow dogs. But at least you’ll always have miniature bandanas. A-hoooooo!

CAD $10.59

Etsy.com

 

Skeleton Beer Bong

Beer bongs don’t get more metal than this. Seriously, you pour your beer into its skull cap and drink from the end of a spinal cord… the way nature intended. Hail Satan!

US $9.95

BoozinGear.com

 

Giant Fist Glove Koozie

In another era, the giant fist glove koozie could have been humankind’s wheel, fire or tear-away track pants. As it turns out, it’s just a foam glove that looks like a giant fist and can perfectly cradle a 12 oz can of beer while impressing friends, loved ones and the Foodora delivery guy named Doug or something.

US $19.95

BoozinGear.com

 

.50 Caliber Bullet Bottle Openers

Tell the world you’re a straight shooter—and a little firearm obsessed—with a bottle opener fashioned out of a .50 caliber bullet. Made from upcycled military ammunition, these beer liberators can also be engraved and, I’m guessing, make going through airport security a real “adventure.”

Starting at US $19.99

GroomsmencCentral.com

 

Six Shooter Pint Glass

Is that wet-hopped ale not dangerous enough for you? Want to inject some bad-assery into your fruited rye saison? Don’t we all. Then park your baby-soft tush in front of one of these puppies. Made to resemble a Colt revolver cylinder, each six shooter pint glass is “CNC machined from anodized aluminum.” What does that mean? I have no idea, but it sure sounds tough—a lot tougher than that apricot hefeweizen you’ve been suckling on like a breastfeeding infant.

US $36.99

GroomsmenCentral.com

 

uKeg 64 Pro Pack

Become the brewery dandy you’ve always aspired to be with these steampunk-looking growler kegs. Stainless steel, copper plated, matte black or black chrome—you decide the level of insufferableness you want to evoke. Each vessel also comes with a pressure gauge, dispenser tap, interchangeable tap handle, sight glass, CO2 cartridge, monocle, pocket-watch and book of useful phrases, such as “Tut, tut, that’s a jolly good dunkleweizen” and “You call that a hazy IPA? I had more IBUs in the last opium den I frequented while on shore leave from my ship the Galilee.” I may have made a few of those up.

US $279.00

GrowlerWerks.com

 

Old Style Pilsner Beer Box Cowboy Hat/Fedora

Fashioned from unused Old Style Pilsner beer cases, these cardboard noggin accessories are an irony-filled delight. The iconic Old Style Pilsner design, including white rabbits, trains and possibly culturally insensitive teepees, are all there in their old school glory, waiting to be foisted on your dumb head like a mighty crown.

US $29.95

— Michael Kissinger, The Growler




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